by brenton crozier
I am a new father. My three week-old baby girl is absolutely beautiful. For the sake of objectivity, I will put on my objective journalist hat and examine my baby’s splendor. Yes, as an objective journalist, she is still beautiful, in fact much more beautiful than your baby, your friend’s baby, or some anorexic model baby you may have seen hawking onesies and formula. Due to my exhilaration about fatherhood and everything that it entails, I’ve had baby on the brain and have stumbled across many interesting websites that I would love to share with you.
Vanity knows no age limit. Babies can now style their fuzzy and typically bald heads with a wide selection of wigs from the pioneering fashionistas at Baby Toupee. Small wigs for small people is their motto, and they deliver the affordable celebrity style that your little darling is surely not asking for.
Let’s face it, baby clothing and fashion items are on par with pet apparel and other worthless novelties that only serve to entertain parents and pet owners alike. Babies don’t care about what they look like or are wearing, kind of like the middle-aged women you see sporting sweat pants in public. But it makes us all feel good, and isn’t that what really matters? I’m as guilty as the rest, as I find myself lured to Baby Gap on a regular basis to buy an outfit that my daughter is only going to spit up on.
Baby Toupee features four wig styles that range from the topical to the classic. The selection includes The Lil Kim (or the talentless tramp), The Donald (or the ruthless, style-challenged tycoon), The Bob (or the stoned legend), and The Samuel L. (or the Jules – one bad shut yo mouth). This is a great start, but I need more selection. I will send an e-mail suggesting a new line consisting of The Christopher Walken, The Private Dancer Era Tina Turner, and The Mug Shot Nick Nolte.
There is a hilarious image gallery of baby clients sporting the various styles. My personal favorite is Luke N. wearing The Bob, but I’m not sure whether that is a real baby or a fat midget (please visit to enjoy the photo for yourself and to provide context to this insensitive comment). The site is good fun, and the folks at Baby Toupee are especially charitable, donating 10% of their proceeds to various children’s charities. Good parenting deserves amusement at the cost of your child’s dignity—visit Baby Toupee to exploit them in the name of recreation today!
In the market for a bargain basement baby? Consult eBaby for all your discount baby buying needs. Truthfully, I was sick of hearing so many complain about “paying those inflated retail prices for babies,” so it was a real relief to find that there was an economical, e-commerce option.
These professionals recognize the need for variety and offer more than 20 varieties of baby to meet all of your infant purchasing needs. Fat babies, foreign babies, even devil worshipping babies are available—they have everything! My personal favorite is the Generic Baby category that features discounts for bulk buying and is noted as being the result of a government surplus.
Your sensibilities are sure to be incensed with the sale of narcotic addicted, disfigured, and ugly babies. But who is really being thoughtless? All types of babies should fetch some price for their owners, there is simply no need to discriminate. Whether you’re interested in buying or selling, eBaby is the tool for you. They recognize the need to protect a buyer’s discretion and encourage you to “lie about your personal information.”
Leave that obnoxious baby sensitivity at the door as you root through eBaby. Every aspect is completely hilarious and often absurd. Nothing is sacred on this website and pretty much everything is offensive and completely riotous. So if you are in the market, or have any extra babies just taking up space and collecting dust, consult eBaby, the baby auctioning professionals.
Please note, I don’t condone baby auctioning. Babies should be loved, nurtured, and adored. Unless you really, really need the money.
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EU Critic’s Choice Awards
